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Jokes

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.

43% of all statistics are worthless.

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.

Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

It does not matter if you fall down, as long as you pick something up from the floor when you get up.

Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some people just don't have any film.
OR  
Some people have forgotten to take the lens cap off.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them in the head.  

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs."

When you choke a Smurf what color does it turn?

Your cat does love you! He just hides it beneath a veil of contempt.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism

Now that I have given up hope I feel much better.

Everywhere is within walking distance, if you have the time

"Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur."
(Anything in Latin sounds profound.)


What if Mother Goose had tendencies and propensities toward verbosity and prolixity?

Jack becomes dexterous, Jack becomes able to attain high velocity, Jack forms a trajectory over the illuminating apparatus of ozocitereous structure.

Mary was formerly the owner and proprietor of a pygmy Ovis aries, It possessed an outer wool covering which had the characteristic pallidness  much like that found in the appearance of crystalline precipitation, And to each point in space that Mary would venture to, The aforementioned Ovis aries would participate with a high degree of  certainty.

Diminutive Jack Horner Was seated at the perpendicular conjunction of three planar surfaces, Ingesting his baked Yuletide pastry. He inserted his opposable digit, And excavated a specimen of genus Prunus, And remarked, "What a benevolent adolescent I have become!"

Lilliputian damsel Muffet Was rested upon a squatty seating apparatus, Ingesting the lacteal substances in her possession. At this point arrived an arachnid Which inhabited the immediate vicinity of the maiden, And, true to the fundamental principles of stimulus and response, arose trepidation in the damsel with sufficient efficiency so as to induce the aforementioned maiden to change locale.


Understanding Metrics

1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
(or is it 52 cards = 1 deck-a-cards?)
1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
10 rations = 1 decoration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3-1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
10 monologs = 5 dialogues
2 monograms = 1 diagram

*********

A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.  Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.  So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.  He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again?  What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife.  "He needs our help. The right thing to do would be to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, dresses, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:  "Hey, do you still want a push??" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing

***********

A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner.

The old man preceded everything he said to his wife by calling her endearing terms, such as Honey, Darling, Sweetie, Pumpkin, etc.

The guest was impressed since the couple had been married for over 60 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's just wonderful that after all these years of marriage, you still call your wife those pet names."

His friend hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."


Men vs. Women

NICKNAMES
* If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

* But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a night, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS
* A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.

* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
* Women love cats.

* Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


Help with Report-Writing

Those of us used to writing technical and business reports know how difficult it can be to use just the right phrase to convey the true depth of your topic.  Now, professionals and students alike can seem like etymological geniuses, thanks to the "Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector" created by Phillip Broughton, a U.S. Public Health Service official.  Using only 30 carefully chosen buzz words, you can woo your way through any written or oral presentation:    

Column1            Column 2                Column 3
0. integrated            0. Management                    0. options
1. total                1. Organizational                1. flexibility
2. systematized            2. Monitored                    2. capability
3. parallel            3. Reciprocal                    3. mobility
4. functional            4. Digital                    4. programming
5. responsive            5. Logistical                    5. concept
6. optional            6. Transitional                    6. time-phase
7. synchronized            7. Incremental                    7. projection
8. compatible            8. third-generation              8. hardware
9. balanced            9. Policy                    9. Contingency     

USAGE:  Randomly pick any three-digit number.  Now select the corresponding buzzword from each column.  For instance, "748" produces "synchronized transitional hardware", or "839" yields "responsive reciprocal contingency", a phrase which can be dropped into any report with the ring of authority.  "No one will have any idea what you're talking about," says Broughton, "but they're probably not about to admit it."


TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."   

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."   

8.  "Whew!  Guess I left the top off the white-out.  You probably got here just in time!"   

7.  "I wasn't sleeping!  I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."   

6.  "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."   

5.  "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress.  Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"   

4.  "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."   

3.  "The coffee machine is broken..."   

2.  "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.

1.  " ...... Amen."